Exit Pole?

Forget about high gas prices (Get a scooter, for the love of pete).

Never mind the melting polar ice caps and global warming (it's just a hoax).

Ignore the dying bees (who likes honey, anyway?)

Who cares about the mid-west flooding? (Iowa: America's newest & largest water park!)

It's time to put the war on the backburner (It's getting too much media attention, if you ask me).


Fix. This. Now.


We are experiencing the great exotic dancer shortage of '08. Find me someone who can reverse this trend and I suggest we elect them ruler of the world forever.

There are women overseas who are lining up to come to my favorite country, willing to learn how to say "Youh vant dahnce?", and then proceed to drop their knee in my crotch like a naughty Harley Race to Metallica's "Through the Never" and they're being denied that opportunity?

My friends, it's time for a revolution.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

My Mr. Sparkle Moment

Remember when Homer was digging through the trash and found a picture of himself on a box of Japanese...something? Remember when the Simpsons was somewhat funny?

A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern

I had my own Mr. Sparkle moment when I googled my last name. First of all, there are a lot of younger-ish Eastern European ladies who have my last name as their first name. If that wasn't disturbing enough, I found this on youtube:




It appears I have some research to do. Is this a real movie? Is there a film somewhere in Europe with the title "Locobone"? Am I the chosen one? Does my last name have cosmic importance?

But the most burning question...can I rent this on Netflix?

Worth Every Penny

Got a spare $10,000 laying around? Want to watch football with a stranger, feed that stranger a pallet of Cheetos, and run the risk of having that man never leave? Call Greg Lloyd.

For the bargain price of $10,000, the former Steelers linebacker will come to your house and watch the Browns beat the living snot out of the Steelers with you and your closest friends. But please, Greg isn't much of a people person, so limit this to 25 of your closest friends.


Greg Lloyd, professional football watcher.


Highlights:

JUST LIKE THE DIRECT TV NFL SUNDAY SEASON TICKET COMMERICAL WITH PEYTON MANNING SHOWING UP IN SOME GUYS LIVING ROOM,THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR YOU

• Yes...except instead of a Super Bowl winning, MVP, All-Pro future Hall of Fame quarterback it's...Greg Lloyd. It's like saying you're meeting a major Hollywood movie star and Treat Williams shows up.
  

THE LESS AMOUNT OF PEOPLE YOU HAVE THERE THE BETTER FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WILL GET A BETTER EXPERIENCE WITH A SMALLER AMOUNT OF PEOPLE THERE.

• Also, it makes it easier for him to steal your wife's silver candlestick holders...

Q:WILL GREG BE BRINGING ANYBODY WITH HIM?

A:YES GREG WILL HAVE ONE OR 2 PEOPLE WITH HIM

• A lookout man and the getaway driver, I assume.

Q:WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS LEGIT??IS HE REALLY GONNA SHOW UP?

• More importantly...will he leave? Ever?

WE ASK THIS IF YOU DO DRINK ADULT BEVERAGES THAT EVERYONE THERE STAYS SOBBER.

• Sobber. I'm guessing this is a form of the word sob. Mr. Lloyd insists that you must cry into your beer while the Steelers are losing. Fair enough.

Q:DO I NEED A TV TO WATCH THE GAME OR DO YOU BRING THAT WITH YOU TOO?

• Holy Jesus, do you want this guy to do everything? It's Greg f'n Lloyd. He had 54.4 career sacks. Get your own damn television.

Q:EXACTLY HOW LONG WILL GREG BE HERE FOR?

• Clear your schedule and get the guest room ready.

Q:I WANT TO DO THIS IN A SUPRISE WAY FOR A GIFT TO MY HUSBAND,KIDS,FRIEND ETC. CAN YOU MAKE THIS A SUPRISE OR SOME TYPE OF SPECIAL REQUEST

A:SURE WE CAN.YOU WANT US TO SNEAK HIM IN THE BACK DOOR?HAVE HIM RING YOUR DOORBELL AND YOUR HUSBAND GO TO THE DOOR HAVING NO CLUE GREG IS COMING?

• Want your husband crap himself when he walks into the living room in his Spongebob boxers at 8:30 p.m. and a 6'2" 240 lb hulking stranger springs out from behind the love seat? We can do that!

IF FOR ANY REASON GREG FEELS UNSAFE HE CAN GET UP AND LEAVE AT ANYTIME.

• Come on Greg, they're just Steeler fans...why feel uncomfotable watching a little football in a seedy, out of the way West Virginia trailer park? Relax, dude.

Not included in the FAQ:

• Will Greg Lloyd openly weep because he was auctioned off to me on ebay?
• Can I dress him up in little outfits and have him serve me all the Mr. Pibb I desire?
• Will he backhand my wife for me (if I ask him nicely)?
• He won't talk through the whole game, will he?
• Will he show up if me and 24 of my closest Browns fans big on him?