Kneel Before Obama!

The Democratic National Convention is underway in Denver. I've sat through some of the speeches and so far besides Ted Kennedy (you can always count on the Kennedy's to deliver, can't you) I've been bored out of my mind.

For God's sake, will someone please inspire me? Every speech comes off like a bad time share sales pitch mashed up with cliched rah-rah team building jargon. It's funny hearing them all say McCain is out of touch while playing to a room full of Four Seasons staying, $200 a plate eating, plastic politicians. The speeches are all very pretty but I want to hear them discuss concrete plans for what they will do instead of spoonfeeding the American people sugarcoated answers they think we want to hear (did this sentence make you hungry too?).

But that's not my main concern. I'm worried because this is a two horse race and one of those horses has been kidnapped and banished to the Phantom Zone.

Obama got Superman II'd

Actually he was in Billings, Montana which some would argue is a fate worse than the Phantom Zone. Taking his current situation into consideration Barack clearly missed the mark on his VP candidate.

Even Barack couldn't save this abortion of a movie.

I don't have a problem with Joe Biden, but the Obama/Kal-El ticket would be unstoppable. A bold economic plan and X-Ray vision? That plays on the coasts and in the heartland. And Clark Kent would help Obama carry Smallville easily. If you're still having doubts, check out Supe's tough stance on foreign policy.

Gas was 21 cents & comics were $0.15? I'm building a time machine.

Even without Superman present to hurl punk villains into space, as of now I plan on voting for the Dems (with moving to Canada still my preferred course of action). Let's hear it for the lesser of two evils. Kneel before Obama!

What's Your Game, McDonalds?

I trusted McDonalds.

When I was a kid I trusted them to provide a well-constructed entertaining toy in an environmentally safe container.

When I was a teenager I trusted them to deliver quality nutritious food prepared with the love and care at an economical price.

As an adult I trusted their highly compensated employees and eye-catching signage not to lie to me.

Lying liars lie!

Grimace (if that is your real name) & Co, you're officially out of my circle of trust. Take a look at the middle square on the right (spot shadowed for your pleasure)....


Get a free Coke glass. Free! Glass! Coke! Now take a look at the middle section on the left (spot shadowed for my enragement).


It's a little tough to read, but it say "Glass NOT Included" (trust me on this one). Shame on you for playing with my retro drinkware emotions McDonalds. Brick by delicious salty brick we created a long term relationship of yumminess and thanks to your deceitful ways I'm forced to have a lustful revenge-lunch with Arby's.

Happier times with Rob, Locobone, McDonalds, & Shamrock Shakes

It's been a triple thick strawberry blast, McD, but it's probably best we parted ways now before I spilled the beans on your blatant violations of the child labor laws (sup, Fry Guys) and your overly racist Southern Style Chicken sandwich...

The Life & Times of a Funcle

I love being the fun uncle. No discipline, little responsibility, and lot of perks.

• You can shop for Star Wars toys and say it's for the kids.

Scott with a Stormtrooper & a Royal Guard at Celebration II in 2002. Thankfully I avoided all photography that day.

• You get to go to Chuck E. Cheese and dominate all the games of chance just to get a plastic ring and a paper airplane that the kids will trash in the parking lot.

• You look like a god when you can beat World 7 Level 3 on Super Mario Bros. (don't tell them it took me 20 years of practice).

• When you've had enough of the little twerps you can shove them back in their mother's direction and head home for a Molson and some VH1 Classic till 3am.

I make all of them buy into my twisted Canadian propaganda.

But tonight wasn't so fun. I had the tough task of being the covert (not my strong point) tooth fairy. I had to sneak into a room full of these guys...

The kids (being forced to) enjoy the Erie Zoo.

...and get past this guy.

No, not C. Wolf...the other one.

to complete the mission. Between his bunk bed (top bunk of course) and the door were three air mattresses, one toddler bed, and six kids who wanted nothing more than to catch the tooth fairy in the act. They fail. I win. Like a bumbling Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark , I made the switch of one tooth for $3 bucks (that's the going rate for a tooth?? I used to get $.50).

If the kids did see me, I wanted the image to be horrific & therapy-worthy.

Luckily no one woke up nor was I chased by a boulder through the hallway, however I did hurt my foot stepping on one of their (my) toys. Curse you, Jango Fett...I will plot my revenge on you and your sharp pointy jet pack as soon as I finish this Molson and turn off VH1 Classic.