Locobone's Periphery

Your Pain Is My Gain (Why I'm Thankful For the Pittsburgh Steelers)

2009-11-30T20:52:00.008-05:00

I admit it. My football team is horrid from top to bottom. There is little joy in Brownstown these days so why am I smiling? It takes a special person to find pleasure in someone else's failure.

I am that person.

I've grown tired of talking heads carrying on about how the Pittsburgh Steelers have the best fans in football. They blather on about how they travel well, are knowledgeable, and support their team unconditionally.

And to that, kind sirs, I say horseshit.

The Steelers are 6-5, in second place in the AFC North, still in the playoff picture, and as much as it pains me to write, the defending Super Bowl champions. But it hasn't stopped some of their fans from going in to full meltdown mode. Here are some of the thread topics on a well-populated Steelers message board that warm my cold, cold, 1-10 heart.

- Hines Ward calling out Ben Roethlisberger (??)
- TOmlin dislikes Ben????
- Bruce Arians is a joke.
- O-line let down AGAIN
- The ref handed the Ravens the win
- This has now moved into the realm of a "crushing loss"
- Who still believes this defense is great?
- The Day It All Ended
- The paper curtain
- IKE was horrible tonight. Gay is always horrible.
- LeBeau can go
- Would Favre have played last night?
- defense is an embarrassment

And my personal favorite:
- I see the death spiral coming...

They didn't have their team taken from them. They aren't 0-12 vs their hated rivals since 2003. They aren't on their fourth (hopefully soon to be fifth) head coach in 10 seasons. They aren't near the bottom in every statistical category on both sides of the ball this year. They aren't 1-10.

So to every Pittsburgh Steelers fan throwing a fit i say:

WAH. Keep up the good work. Your tears fuel me. But keep in mind...

...it could be worse...

...you could be a Browns fan.

Potheads In My Lawn

2009-10-09T20:09:00.004-05:00

My neighborhood is never lacking action. Living on the lower west side gives you a nice mix of eccentric elderly folks, alcohol-fueled college kids, and strung out crackheads looking to bash your face in for pocket change. Charming, no?

Over the last 12 months I have witnessed a violent drug shakedown in front of the apartment complex, had my car broken into, heard tales of the neighbor’s pit bulls chasing people down the alleyway like a live action Tom & Jerry cartoon, and do my best to not pay attention to the cop cars on nighttime stakeouts in the Shur-Fine parking lot. But on Wednesday my backyard was a full-fledged COPS episode.

The city police had picked up an unsavory gentleman a few blocks away and had him handcuffed in the back of their squad car (squad car? Am I from the 1920’s?). I don’t know why he was there…take your pick…drugs, ducking parking tickets, beating his girlfriend, not returning his copy of Into the Wild to a designated Redbox location in a reasonable amount of time. The officers must have left him unattended (or were trying to pick up 95.9FM on the radio…that shit always distracts me for a few minutes) and this upstanding citizen saw and opportunity to bolt from the scene. Handcuffed. He ran through the neighborhood and (lucky me!) decided to take refuge in my backyard.

Working in a newsroom has its perks…the weekly prostitute mugshot viewings, endless Anchorman jokes, enough “when I first started in the business” stories to fill Al Roker’s pants, the occasional news personality meltdown caught on tape… but you’re also the first to hear horrible news that sometimes include you, your family, or a little patch of dirt you call your backyard. And when the news first comes in it’s usually a little nugget of truth that turns into a boulder of a story, so when I heard “ZOMG THERE IS A SWAT TEAM WITH GUNS DRAWN SEARCHING FOR A FUGITIVE IN YOUR HOUSE” I was skeptical.

Turns out it wasn’t that far-fetched. This tax-paying, productive member of society ducked into the ‘hoods shared alleyway and curled up in to a ball along our fence like a potato bug hoping no one would see him. Amazingly it worked out pretty well at first. The police looked all through the neighborhood and didn’t see him. When the cops left our backyard area he thought the coast was clear so he scampered into my garage (yes, this sounds like a Charlie Chaplin short, but I assure you this happened).

My garage isn’t that big. It’s just large enough to house my car, a gas can, and (for reasons that even I am unaware of) a kitchen chair. It doesn’t make for a good hiding place unless you want to take a load off and chug poison.

Bad criminal hiding place or snapshot of the underground railroad?

Thanks to some eagle-eyed (busybody) neighbor he was spotted running in to the garage where the cops surrounded him. He surrendered after realizing my garage doesn’t contain any teleportation devices (Sucks, doesn’t it? Trust me I’ve already looked in there). The guy is back in custody and we’re free to go about our lower west side business until the next strung out manic fugitive decides to make a break for it.

Dude should consider himself lucky I wasn’t home at the time. He would have seen me crying like a little girl begging for mercy and gave himself up without a fight. Everyone knows blubbering sissies make terrible hostages.

Signs of Life (In Search of Souls In Search Of Something

2009-07-16T00:32:00.012-05:00

I'll skip the normal excuses I spout for not posting more and the empty promises to do better in the future. I've been and will continue to be on tour.

If you know me (hell, even if you've just accidentally googled me once) you know the music of Our Lady Peace means a lot to me. I can't explain why but to me there is Our Lady Peace and then there is all other music. It's the one topic that I can't argue or debate rationally. It just is.

Cleveland, OH - August '03

The emotion and energy in their music s hard to capture with a tiny camera, but enjoy the clips and images I took from some recent shows. Their new album "Burn Burn" is available Tuesday, July 21st in stores and on iTunes. Song previews, tour dates, and merch can be had over at ourladypeace.net

MONKEY BRAINS

PAPER MOON

THE END IS WHERE WE BEGIN

I'll be attending and dragging friends to shows in Toronto and New York next week, then in Cleveland and (money willing) DC and Philadelphia in August.

Feel free to come along. Go ahead man, don't be shy. You need to know your friends.

Shamrock Shakes & Shenanigans (Dial 1-900-Megans-Law)

2009-04-06T23:04:00.008-05:00

I'm not an easily disturbed guy. A few of the things that creep me out:

- Eyeball surgery on the Discovery Channel
- Headless department store mannequins
- Standup comedy featuring puppets
- Brand name goods at competitive prices (how do they do that?)
- The new Burger King commercial featuring a remix of Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back selling Spongebob toys in their BK Kid's Meals

Burger King's Baby Got Back commercial/acid trip

Someone somewhere thought it would be a good idea to mash together a cartoon icon, fast food, a children's toy, a nightmare-inducing mascot, and a 90's rap song about juicy round asses into one 30 second commercial.

Since integrity and street cred are things of the past I have a few suggestions to continue the Old School/BK campaign if Burger King is listening. Might as well make an entire album.

1.) Straight Outta Croissan'wich (NWA)
1.) Strictly Biscuits (E.P.M.D.)
2.) Punks Jump Up To Get Big Fish (Brand Nubian)
3.) Welcome to the TendercrispDome (Public Enemy)
4.) Wild Wild Western Burger (Kool Moe Dee)
5.) We Want Cheezy (Tots) (Eazy-E)
6.) Milk Shaker (Wreckx-N-Effect)
7.) The Onion Ring Lover's in the House (Heavy D)
8.) Givin Up the Nappy Whopper (Ice Cube)
9.) Kick em in the TenderGrill (3rd Bass)
10.) Time 4 Sum Hash Browns (Redman)
11.) Bonita Applepie (A Tribe Called Quest)

Honestly, I'm just bitter Burger King jacked my karaoke jam. Couldn't they have just used a Tone-Loc song? I've heard if you throw a few french toast sticks his way he'd probably play ball.

On the Prowl - To Serve & Protect

2009-03-26T19:28:00.007-05:00

This morning I had to be at work at the crack of 10 a.m. for a meeting. Usually my day doesn't begin until 12:30 so to me 10 a.m. might as well be 5 a.m.

I pulled out of the alleyway and noticed a city police car at a stop sign on the corner. My mind wandered trying to recall the last time I was pulled over and if all the points were cleared from my license as I waited at the next intersection for traffic to pass. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the officer speed up next to my car and do the "roll down your window, buddy" motion.

What is he going to nail me for? No seat belt? Broken tail light? Bound and gagged teen girl in the trunk (lucky guess on his part)? I rolled the window down and tried to look as innocent and white as possible (maybe he thought I was Mexican...should I flash my Polish Falcons membership?).

Him: "Hey, where'd you get that sticker at?"

Me: "ahhhh....what?

Him: "The Transformers decal in your window. I've been looking for one for the car."

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of riding in the Locomobile he was admiring this:

Back Seat of My Buick, Let's Swing an Episode

I'm not a bumper sticker guy by any means. This is the only piece of flair on my car besides an Autobot front plate that needs to be reattached. This is not the first time someone has chased me down to ask to ask me about it but it is the first time it was an officer of the law.

After I finished soiling myself (and casually slipping on my seat belt) I let him know that they can be had on eBay for a few bucks. I don't know if he wanted one for his own personal vehicle or if he wanted to pimp out the cop car, but if you see this protecting Erie...

...you can thank me.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-03-16T23:07:00.006-05:00

Photo by Emily Bean

1.) Blog more often.

2.) Be punctual.

So how am I doing? Happy St. Patricks's Day.

Old to the New (The Erie Bayhawks do the Wave)

2008-12-15T01:53:00.017-05:00

It's been over 16 years since the Erie Wave folded and left town for good. Ten days later the entire World Basketball League went belly up and one of the founders was sentenced to prison for embezzling money. Not exactly a glorious end to minor league basketball in Erie.

They were only around for three seasons, but I loved the Erie Wave (and as a 12 year old I loved the Eriesistable cheerleaders too). The games were cheap and the talent that passed through the league was a nice mix of former college stars and soon-to-be NBA players (Tim Legler, Mario Elie, Delray Brooks, Rick Barry's kid Scooter, Boo Harvey, Keith Smart, John Starks). You can even trace my love jones for Canada back to the WBL. They played a bunch of Canadian teams from places like Calgary, Halifax, & Hamilton so I heard the Canadian National Anthem all the time.

Hell, for their last season my friend Greg and I were ballboys for the team. It was a volunteer gig but we got in for free and hung with the team. Personal highlights included rebounding for the Estonian National Team (7ft monsters who didn't speak a lick of English) and getting accidentally stomped in the crotch by Jamie Waller while sitting under the hoop during a televised game. Did I say highlights?

Unfortunate victims of 90's fad fashions...and you can see why God had to take my hair early.

I was crushed when they left town in 1992. Somewhere exists footage of myself and Greg outside of the Erie Wave offices pouring our little hearts out to a television crew about their demise. I spouted off about the politics of it all and how it was a travesty they were never given a fair chance to secure local funding. Remind me to find and destroy those tapes.

Cut to 16 years later when the NBA placed a developmental team here that is essentially a farm team for the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Philadelphia 76ers. The Erie Bayhawks tipped off at the Tullio Arena for the first time on Thursday night. It was pretty surreal being there and it conjured up a lot of memories from the Erie Wave days.

The organization put on a pretty impressive show and the team is off to a good start. Hopefully the people of Erie will support the team and their stay here is longer than the three years the Wave existed.

Crowd prompting or a nice tribute to Erie's basketball past?

I'm looking forward to seeing as many games as I can and I wish the franchise success. When you're at a Bayhawks home game stop over and say hello. I'll be the guy sitting behind the home bench representing the Wave and yelling at the ballboys if they fold the warmup jerseys incorrectly.

Misguided Youth or 4-Year Olds Love Me (Not in That Way, Sicko)

2008-11-30T23:26:00.004-05:00

Without anyone prompting him to do this my nephew Corey approached my mother with pen and paper and said (I'm paraphrasing here) "Grannie, take a memo" with instructions to give this to me after his family packed up and returned to Indianapolis:

Dictated but not read. The exclamation point and smiley face were his personal touch.

I have three conclusions after reading this:

Clearly his other uncles have set the bar really low.
I'm mentally on par with a toddler.
My nephews & nieces rock the house.

I didn't post this to brag. We spent the weekend watching football, looking at baseball cards, drinking Fresca, playing with my old Transformers, discussing Super Mario Bros., and watching Star Wars (the kid can name all the bounty hunters and identify all the different clone troopers). That makes me kind of lame, but it's makes Corey the coolest 4-year old ever.

Neighborhood Walk - Downtown Erie (Throwing up the W!)

2008-11-11T21:47:00.028-05:00

The Neighborhood Walk is a chance to recognize the place you live, work, or call home -- and to introduce it to the world.

On November 11, 2008 (11/11/2008), bloggers, podcasters, vloggers, photobloggers and others are invited to take a walk around their neighborhood, make media about it -- a blog post, photo gallery, video, or whatever you prefer -- and post it on the web.

Take a walk around your block and photograph what you see. Sit outside and write about the people who pass and the world around you. Turn on your video camera and give a guided tour of your neighborhood.

I originally set out to shoot my photo walk last Friday when it was 75 degrees in Erie. True to form I overslept. Monday when I when out to take some shots it was 30 degrees and 6 inches of snow had fallen overnight.

I decided to keep my chilly walk to my immediate neighborhood which is on Erie's Lower West Side, about four blocks from what I consider centre city (Perry Square). The walk was pretty educational for me. I've lived here almost five years, but to be honest I really know nothing about my surroundings. I grew up on Erie's East Side and I know that area like the back of my hand. You want to know about Lakeview Tavern, Trawka's Market, or Pio's? I'll talk your ear off. That will always be my home but it's time to discover where I live.

This is the view from the corner of 7th & Walnut Street. It's the law firm of Melaragno & Placidi, but until I need to divorce my non-existent wife, this is just a really nice looking building to me.

Next to them is the ad agency Fishtank Creative. I've dealt with them professionally before and they seem like a top notch organization. Maybe I should run my resume over. How great would it be to have an 80 yard commute?

Around the corner is the Firefighter Historial Museum. From GoErie: "The museum is housed in the old #4 Erie Firehouse built in 1903. Its two floors contain more than 1,300 items of fire department memorabilia. Displays include antique fire apparatus, badges, ribbons, fire alarm systems, helmets, uniforms, masks and antique fire extinguishers, plus an 1823 hand tub, an 1830 hand-pulled pumper, an 1890 horse-drawn fire engine, a 1920 LaFrance pumper, a 1927 LaFrance fire truck and other apparatus. Turn in a fire alarm, hear the bells ring and see the alarm come in." I haven't been there since I was a wee lad. I'm thinking this is a potential niece & nephew field trip in the near future.

On the corner of 6th & Walnut is the Erie Community Foundation. They spent the entire summer remodeling this building and it looks great. "ECF traces its history back to 1935 when Elisha H. Mack, co-founder of the Boston Store, created a charitable endowment fund. After the tax reform act of 1969, Mr. Mack's fund was transformed into a public charity, The Erie Community Foundation, a process finalized in 1971."

Across the street is another law firm. This stretch of West 6th street is home to a lot of law offices I'm assuming because of its proximity to the Federal and County Courthouses.

West 6th street is known as Millionaire's Row for it's collection of 19th Century Victorian mansions. A lot of the former mansions that are not law offices have become apartments and student housing for Gannon University students.

The Watson-Curtze Mansion (build in the 1890's) is now home to the Erie County Historical Society and Erie Planetarium. These cats lived large 115 years ago: "The mansion has 24 rooms, 17 closets, 5 bathrooms and 12 fireplaces. Most of the rooms are very different in design and style. Upon close inspection many unusual building materials and features can be found. There are mosaics, friezes (hand-painted oil paintings on canvas that are attached to the upper portion of a wall) and stained glass windows.

I have no idea what this place is but in my mind it's a really intense chop shop/diamond heist hideout. In reality they probably just make a lot of macaroni necklaces and watch embarrassing amounts of A&E.

Leprechaun Beer. An old college favorite. Watch out for the guard dog. That guy does not mess around. This is probably where my Molson fixation began.

The area does not lack bars...or cake design places. Can't say I've been in either establishment, but that empty store front between them used to be a comic book store back in the day (around New Mutants Issue #56 I'd wager).

Papa Joe's Pepperoni Cafe is a place I'd make my second home if they stayed open later than 9pm. The original focus was more coffeehouse, but it seems they have moved more into the pizza realm (which isn't a bad thing...I'm told they feature the old Pizza Etc. recipe which rocks the house). Still you can grab a cup there and occasionally they have live music.

The Shaggy Dog. Home of my first American bar beer when I was 19. The majority of my best college bar stories come from here. I don't venture in much anymore, but it's a must-stop when college friends come back into town.

One of the more creative tags around the block. They at least learned the art of the drop shadow.

Martucci's used to be a great mid-city Italian restaurant that closed a few years ago. There was still a demand for their product (mainly their sauce) so they opened up this little carryout operation.

Everyone raves about Pie in the Sky and even though I could hit it with a baseball from my lawn (don't fret...I won't actually do it) I've never been inside. After doing a little research I found out they serve breakfast and feature crepes. I'll be making the trip across the street sooner than later.

Across from PITS is the former Longfellow School. Couldn't find any information on this place other than it closed as a school in 1975. It's now home to...something?

Ye Olde Shur-Fine. The most common landmark when giving directions to my apartment. Very old school inside, but perfect for milk and bread runs in your pj's. I curse them for their early morning delivery trucks that basically park under my bedroom window but I thank them for their (sometimes) crime-deterring parking lot lights.

The First Presbyterian Church of the Covenant aka the free parking lot for former WERG DJ's.

I never noticed this gem before. It's the Boothy Inn Bed & Breakfast. I'll have to vacation in my own neighborhood some time.

Besides the temps I had a great time doing this. When the weather breaks I want to go back to the Lower East Side and do the same thing. If anyone has a hankering for pierogies and beer, feel free to join me.

Celebrate Good Times (Come on!)

2008-11-07T02:04:00.024-05:00

Time to play Celebration: Presidential, World Series, or Star Wars. Some are easier than others. Good luck and good job (Democrats, MLB Fans, & the Rebel Alliance).

A Picture is Worth A 1000 Words...and 2 Votes (or How McCain Wins Ohio)

2008-11-02T03:03:00.008-05:00

So it looks like this guy...

Feeble drunken attempt at the Randy Orton pose.

and more than likely this random blurry drunken, half-naked, pasty Ohioan in the 500 level...

Feeble attempt at remaining unnoticed

will be voting for John McCain on Tuesday because of this and this...

Way to blow it in the home stretch, Obama. Until I saw that photo you were the lesser of two evils, but now you're just plain evil.

Go 'Skins.

Go Browns.

Go McCain. *shudder*

Go Me. (to Canada, of course)

Podcamp Pittsburgh 3 Wrapup

2008-10-21T21:07:00.003-05:00

I had a great time this weekend at Podcamp Pittsburgh 3. We drank, we learned, we conversed in the hallways, and we drank more.

There was a lot information to process over three short days. I had a awesome time reconnecting with old friends and began a lot of meaningful conversations with some new ones. Thankfully we have the tools to continue the conversation from afar until we meet again.

Hats off to all of those who were involved in planning and running PCPGH3. You should be proud of your accomplishments and I'm sure the wheels are turning on future events as we speak. The biggest compliment that I can give the event is that when 4:30 p.m. rolled around on Sunday, I still wanted more. If I can hold down solid food by February (The Pittgirl name badge bug bit me. I be illin), I'll be attending Podcamp Toronto. I hope to see some of you there and look forward to PCPGH4.

I'm going to Podcamp Pittsburgh 3

2008-10-16T21:17:00.004-05:00

PodCamp Pittsburgh is a FREE community UnConference, run by and for people who create, enjoy or are interested in learning more about social media. It takes place on October 18 and 19 at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh

If you are attending I'll be the shy bald guy hiding in the corner until I take in some liquid courage and transform into the pantsless, karaoke-singing life of the afterparty. I'm approachable and try to string together coherent sentences to form a pleasant conversation. Some attempts are more successful than others .

Want to chat it up with me and need a jumping off point? Try these:

Hip hop peaked in 1993, right?
I think Buzz-Off really brought down the second season of Masters of the Universe. What do you think?
I heard you can trace the origins of Neutron Dance all the way back to the Foxtrot. Is that true?
Wanna do a shot?
I totally believe an early session Zerg rush is overrated and I can prove it.
Isn't Sarah Palin more adorable than the Snuggle Bear? I mean, come on...
Remember when Jim Duggan beat Steve Austin for the United States Championship? Let's go You Tube that!
I missed Days of Our Lives yesterday. Did Stefano do something evil?
I have a screener copy of The Watchmen on my laptop...
Hi I'm ________. Wanna talk about Canada?

If you won't be attending, you can follow along here, here, here, & here. It's like being there minus the hangover.

I Had A Dream

2008-10-15T22:48:00.009-05:00

I guess now is as good a time as any to reveal my mutant power. I have the ability to sometimes predict stupid things while I'm sleeping. Way back in February before pitchers and catchers reported I had a strange dream where the Tampa Bay Rays won the World Series.

I recall relaying this to a die-hard Red Sox fan at work and he laughed. And why not? Only once has the team not finished in last place and that was the year Toronto decided to play the second half of the season under softball rules. You try beating the Twins chugging beer and throwing underhand. The team has been a joke and there weren't really any signs of them turning it around.

I reminded the Sox fan of my dream around the All-Star break and he still wasn't convinced. "Still a lot of baseball to play". I was skeptical too. Up to this point, my dream track record wasn't the to be trusted. Other dreams:

I was a City Councilman who demanded that French Street be replaced by a river of vanilla pudding. The vote overwhelming passed.

I was a bass player in a 70's-style funk band. We played weddings and special occasions under the name Chuck Duncan & the Funkin' Munchkins. Obviously, we were led by the world famous (in my dream only) Chuck Duncan.

My dad was a clown (this one may or may not be true).

Now Tampa Bay is on the verge of advancing to the World Series and it depresses me. What if this was my shot? My one god-given get rich quick scheme and I blew my opportunity. The preseason Vegas odds on the Rays was 80/1. I should have emptied the 401k and bet the farm on BJ and the boys.

If you need me I'll be attempting to dream about my marriage to a Canadian supermodel and a Browns super bowl appearance. Tampa Bay is going to the World Series...don't tell me dreams don't come true.

Kneel Before Obama!

2008-08-27T01:10:00.007-05:00

The Democratic National Convention is underway in Denver. I've sat through some of the speeches and so far besides Ted Kennedy (you can always count on the Kennedy's to deliver, can't you) I've been bored out of my mind.

For God's sake, will someone please inspire me? Every speech comes off like a bad time share sales pitch mashed up with cliched rah-rah team building jargon. It's funny hearing them all say McCain is out of touch while playing to a room full of Four Seasons staying, $200 a plate eating, plastic politicians. The speeches are all very pretty but I want to hear them discuss concrete plans for what they will do instead of spoonfeeding the American people sugarcoated answers they think we want to hear (did this sentence make you hungry too?).

But that's not my main concern. I'm worried because this is a two horse race and one of those horses has been kidnapped and banished to the Phantom Zone.

Obama got Superman II'd

Actually he was in Billings, Montana which some would argue is a fate worse than the Phantom Zone. Taking his current situation into consideration Barack clearly missed the mark on his VP candidate.

Even Barack couldn't save this abortion of a movie.

I don't have a problem with Joe Biden, but the Obama/Kal-El ticket would be unstoppable. A bold economic plan and X-Ray vision? That plays on the coasts and in the heartland. And Clark Kent would help Obama carry Smallville easily. If you're still having doubts, check out Supe's tough stance on foreign policy.

Gas was 21 cents & comics were $0.15? I'm building a time machine.

Even without Superman present to hurl punk villains into space, as of now I plan on voting for the Dems (with moving to Canada still my preferred course of action). Let's hear it for the lesser of two evils. Kneel before Obama!

What's Your Game, McDonalds?

2008-08-07T22:09:00.007-05:00

I trusted McDonalds.

When I was a kid I trusted them to provide a well-constructed entertaining toy in an environmentally safe container.

When I was a teenager I trusted them to deliver quality nutritious food prepared with the love and care at an economical price.

As an adult I trusted their highly compensated employees and eye-catching signage not to lie to me.

Lying liars lie!

Grimace (if that is your real name) & Co, you're officially out of my circle of trust. Take a look at the middle square on the right (spot shadowed for your pleasure)....

Get a free Coke glass. Free! Glass! Coke! Now take a look at the middle section on the left (spot shadowed for my enragement).

It's a little tough to read, but it say "Glass NOT Included" (trust me on this one). Shame on you for playing with my retro drinkware emotions McDonalds. Brick by delicious salty brick we created a long term relationship of yumminess and thanks to your deceitful ways I'm forced to have a lustful revenge-lunch with Arby's.

Happier times with Rob, Locobone, McDonalds, & Shamrock Shakes

It's been a triple thick strawberry blast, McD, but it's probably best we parted ways now before I spilled the beans on your blatant violations of the child labor laws (sup, Fry Guys) and your overly racist Southern Style Chicken sandwich...

The Life & Times of a Funcle

2008-08-04T23:57:00.014-05:00

I love being the fun uncle. No discipline, little responsibility, and lot of perks.

You can shop for Star Wars toys and say it's for the kids.

Scott with a Stormtrooper & a Royal Guard at Celebration II in 2002. Thankfully I avoided all photography that day.

You get to go to Chuck E. Cheese and dominate all the games of chance just to get a plastic ring and a paper airplane that the kids will trash in the parking lot.

You look like a god when you can beat World 7 Level 3 on Super Mario Bros. (don't tell them it took me 20 years of practice).

When you've had enough of the little twerps you can shove them back in their mother's direction and head home for a Molson and some VH1 Classic till 3am.

I make all of them buy into my twisted Canadian propaganda.

But tonight wasn't so fun. I had the tough task of being the covert (not my strong point) tooth fairy. I had to sneak into a room full of these guys...

The kids (being forced to) enjoy the Erie Zoo.

...and get past this guy.

No, not C. Wolf...the other one.

to complete the mission. Between his bunk bed (top bunk of course) and the door were three air mattresses, one toddler bed, and six kids who wanted nothing more than to catch the tooth fairy in the act. They fail. I win. Like a bumbling Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark , I made the switch of one tooth for $3 bucks (that's the going rate for a tooth?? I used to get $.50).

If the kids did see me, I wanted the image to be horrific & therapy-worthy.

Luckily no one woke up nor was I chased by a boulder through the hallway, however I did hurt my foot stepping on one of their (my) toys. Curse you, Jango Fett...I will plot my revenge on you and your sharp pointy jet pack as soon as I finish this Molson and turn off VH1 Classic.

Happy Canada Day

2008-07-01T00:34:00.009-05:00

To all of my lovely and wonderful friends up North, happy Canada Day.

My niece presented me with a baggie containing 43 cents of Canadian currency from her piggy bank in honour of the day. It was quite possibly the best Canada Day gift I've received since the gift basket that greeted me upon my arrival in Toronto for Edgefest 2006 (Thanks, Christine!).

This is how I celebrated.

A double double and a Canadian Maple.

Chris started a new tradition as we were leaving...the ceremonial smashing of the Tim Hortons plate. I don't think it was intentional (or appreciated by the staff), but it was quite festive.

Enjoy the day, Canucks!

Exit Pole?

2008-06-19T22:08:00.005-05:00

Forget about high gas prices (Get a scooter, for the love of pete).

Never mind the melting polar ice caps and global warming (it's just a hoax).

Ignore the dying bees (who likes honey, anyway?)

Who cares about the mid-west flooding? (Iowa: America's newest & largest water park!)

It's time to put the war on the backburner (It's getting too much media attention, if you ask me).

Fix. This. Now.

We are experiencing the great exotic dancer shortage of '08. Find me someone who can reverse this trend and I suggest we elect them ruler of the world forever.

There are women overseas who are lining up to come to my favorite country, willing to learn how to say "Youh vant dahnce?", and then proceed to drop their knee in my crotch like a naughty Harley Race to Metallica's "Through the Never" and they're being denied that opportunity?

My friends, it's time for a revolution.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-15T22:41:00.013-05:00

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

My Mr. Sparkle Moment

2008-06-14T00:57:00.009-05:00

Remember when Homer was digging through the trash and found a picture of himself on a box of Japanese...something? Remember when the Simpsons was somewhat funny?

A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern

I had my own Mr. Sparkle moment when I googled my last name. First of all, there are a lot of younger-ish Eastern European ladies who have my last name as their first name. If that wasn't disturbing enough, I found this on youtube:

It appears I have some research to do. Is this a real movie? Is there a film somewhere in Europe with the title "Locobone"? Am I the chosen one? Does my last name have cosmic importance?

But the most burning question...can I rent this on Netflix?

Worth Every Penny

2008-06-12T22:18:00.006-05:00

Got a spare $10,000 laying around? Want to watch football with a stranger, feed that stranger a pallet of Cheetos, and run the risk of having that man never leave? Call Greg Lloyd.

For the bargain price of $10,000, the former Steelers linebacker will come to your house and watch the Browns beat the living snot out of the Steelers with you and your closest friends. But please, Greg isn't much of a people person, so limit this to 25 of your closest friends.

Greg Lloyd, professional football watcher.

Highlights:

JUST LIKE THE DIRECT TV NFL SUNDAY SEASON TICKET COMMERICAL WITH PEYTON MANNING SHOWING UP IN SOME GUYS LIVING ROOM,THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR YOU

Yes...except instead of a Super Bowl winning, MVP, All-Pro future Hall of Fame quarterback it's...Greg Lloyd. It's like saying you're meeting a major Hollywood movie star and Treat Williams shows up.

THE LESS AMOUNT OF PEOPLE YOU HAVE THERE THE BETTER FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WILL GET A BETTER EXPERIENCE WITH A SMALLER AMOUNT OF PEOPLE THERE.

Also, it makes it easier for him to steal your wife's silver candlestick holders...

Q:WILL GREG BE BRINGING ANYBODY WITH HIM?

A:YES GREG WILL HAVE ONE OR 2 PEOPLE WITH HIM

A lookout man and the getaway driver, I assume.

Q:WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO I KNOW THIS IS LEGIT??IS HE REALLY GONNA SHOW UP?

More importantly...will he leave? Ever?

WE ASK THIS IF YOU DO DRINK ADULT BEVERAGES THAT EVERYONE THERE STAYS SOBBER.

Sobber. I'm guessing this is a form of the word sob. Mr. Lloyd insists that you must cry into your beer while the Steelers are losing. Fair enough.

Q:DO I NEED A TV TO WATCH THE GAME OR DO YOU BRING THAT WITH YOU TOO?

Holy Jesus, do you want this guy to do everything? It's Greg f'n Lloyd. He had 54.4 career sacks. Get your own damn television.

Q:EXACTLY HOW LONG WILL GREG BE HERE FOR?

Clear your schedule and get the guest room ready.

Q:I WANT TO DO THIS IN A SUPRISE WAY FOR A GIFT TO MY HUSBAND,KIDS,FRIEND ETC. CAN YOU MAKE THIS A SUPRISE OR SOME TYPE OF SPECIAL REQUEST

A:SURE WE CAN.YOU WANT US TO SNEAK HIM IN THE BACK DOOR?HAVE HIM RING YOUR DOORBELL AND YOUR HUSBAND GO TO THE DOOR HAVING NO CLUE GREG IS COMING?

Want your husband crap himself when he walks into the living room in his Spongebob boxers at 8:30 p.m. and a 6'2" 240 lb hulking stranger springs out from behind the love seat? We can do that!

IF FOR ANY REASON GREG FEELS UNSAFE HE CAN GET UP AND LEAVE AT ANYTIME.

Come on Greg, they're just Steeler fans...why feel uncomfotable watching a little football in a seedy, out of the way West Virginia trailer park? Relax, dude.

Not included in the FAQ:

Will Greg Lloyd openly weep because he was auctioned off to me on ebay?
Can I dress him up in little outfits and have him serve me all the Mr. Pibb I desire?
Will he backhand my wife for me (if I ask him nicely)?
He won't talk through the whole game, will he?
Will he show up if me and 24 of my closest Browns fans big on him?

Canada via Chicago (Saturday in the Falls)

2008-05-19T00:17:00.020-05:00

Throw in The Best of Chicago (you know you own it) and sync this post up to Saturday in the Park. It's like that Wizard of Oz/Dark Side of the Moon thing...you know...creepy and unnecessary. Why this song was looping in my head is a story for another post...

Saturday in the Falls. I think it was Victoria Day.

Saturday in the Falls I think it was Victoria Day

People spending, casino’s winning
This tool on the slot machine
Losing lots of cash

Clifton Hilling, Children whining
Can I kill them? No, I can’t?

I hope I hit the 6-4-9
In Canada

At Wal-mart in the Falls. I think it was Victoria Day
At Wal-mart in the Falls. I think it was Victoria Day

Loco’s bleeding, attacked by shelving
Ketchup Chips and Five Alive
I may need a tetanus shot.

Will you help me find these movies?
Can you help me? No? You can’t?
And I’ve been waiting such a long time
For Snowcake.

Ferris wheel riders. Floral clock? Not today.
I tried man, but still can’t get out to the ballet
Cover charges?
What is the cost? What is the cost???
Oh,no! No!

Getting drunk in the Falls. I think it was tasty ice wine.
Getting drunk in the Falls. I think it was tasty ice wine.

Molson Export, sipping Riesling
Alexander Keith’s is on tap
Did we even see the Falls?

Oven pizza, Timmy Hortons
Double double? Yes I did!

And I’ve been waiting such a long time .
Victoria Day!

This weekend I went up to Canada (If you didn't pick up on that you get a D for reading comprehension) with some friends and had a spectacular time doing Niagara Falls-ie things. I wanted to blog about it and thought I'd take a different approach this time. If I simply blogged about driving to Canada and drinking you'd be getting the same repetitive post about every 60 days. More pics over at Flickr.

This is Why I Shouldn't Drink Milk

2008-05-08T21:55:00.003-05:00

Dan fills 'er up during a more innocent time when gas was only $2.67 a gallon...

This is the conversation that happened in front of me while waiting in line at Country Fair buying a half gallon of milk this evening.

-Well dressed mid-20's black male customer- "I'll take a $25 gas card please"

-Disheveled crazy 60's-something white female employee- "Boy, those gas prices are high, aren't they?"

-WDM20BMC- "Yeah, but the gas card is the best deal in town."

-DC60WFE- "Don't you wish we could go back to the horse and buggy days? The good old days?"

---Uncomfortable deafening silence---

This is why I love the Fair. Sheetz may have the MTO, but Country Fair has the market cornered on racial tension...

We Gonna Buy Comics Like It's Ya Birthday,,,,

2008-05-05T23:35:00.006-05:00

Thank you all for the kind birthday wishes. I had an awesome b-day on Saturday that consisted of:

Lunch at Molly's with friends. Of course I went the authentic Irish route and got the...chicken cordon bleu.

Free Comic Book Day at Books Galore. And what 31 year old doesn't want a free copy of Tiny Titans #2?

Spider-Man, Captain America, Locobone Throw in Wonder Man & Tigra this is the best Avengers lineup ever.

Iron Man at Tinseltown. Best comic book movie I've seen (I've been told Batman Begins is just as good, but I tried watching it once and it put me to sleep). Robert Downey Jr. is such a prick that I couldn't tell he was acting (that was supposed to be a compliment). My only complaint was that Jarvis was a machine and inconsiderate asshole parents who take their kids to the movie theatre. Just because it's based on a comic and they manufactured action figues doesn't give you the right to bring your jerkoff kid to the movies. I had to endure 45 minutes of the 7 year old next to me crinkling his skittles and asking daddy "where is Iron Man"? Guess what kid, Iron Man hates you and so do I. Locobone smash!

Attending a RiverRats football game with my dad and friends. My dad caught a football that came into the stands and gave it to me. It was on the news. In case you were wondering, yes this really happened and no, I'm not retarded.

Drinking with friends afterwards. Won't go into details, but the beer was Canadian and the scenery was lovely.

This pretty much sums up my day: When I woke up there was a text message from Dan that said "Happy birthday - are we adults yet?" I stood in the kitchen reading this in my GI Joe t-shirt and chewing a Flintstones vitamin on my way to to the comic book store. Yep, I'm an adult...

Phone Whores, Elliot

2008-03-11T00:36:00.008-05:00

This just in...a politician cheated on his spouse with a call girl. That sentence could have been written...well, at any point since the birth of politics.

In my opinion, the only crime Eilliot Spitzer committed was paying 4 G's for his hooker. You need to patronize the local talent, Spitz. This all comes back to gas prices. When your call girl has to travel long distances to deliver that blumpkin, they pass the cost of fuel on to you. Next time you're in DC use whores within the Beltway, Elliot. It's cheaper. Lesson learned I hope.

Silver lining time. If it wasn't for this earth-shattering life-changing, monumental, utterly cliched political scandal, we never would have been witnesses to this picture:

photo from abcnews.com

If that photo was shown to me without knowing the backstory I'd think:

a.) He's reenacting Brando's final scene from the original Godfather where the Don puts the orange slice in his mouth and smiles at his grandson before keeling over.

b.) He's a sad clown at a sad clown convention who left his makeup kit back in his sad room at the Econolodge. Sad.

c.) His NCAA bracket forecast is already in shambles because some jerkoff backup small forward from St. John's just missed a key free throw in the last 90 seconds of a Big East semi-finals game.

d.) He's sorry he was caught by Federal agents and the national media for boinking a prostitute.

Bowyer Baronets - "As to Thine Own"

2008-02-12T00:41:00.000-05:00

I've always been a sucker for album artwork (and an easy blog post). Cynthia and Rachel's album covers turned out so well that I:

a.) wanted to murder then in a fit of jealous artistic rage
b.) make my own album cover

Lucky for them I'm too peaceful and lazy for murder, so I settled for option B.

The CD Cover Meme group has only three rules: (1) The first article title on this random wiki page is the name of your band, (2) the last four words of the very last quote on this random quote page is the title of your album, and (3) the third picture here, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

I don't have all of my work tools at my disposal, so this isn't anything spectacular, but it works. It's Christopher Cross meets Pedestrian and I'm just crazy enough to find that interesting.

If you find the inspiration (for an album cover, not murder), post a comment back to your creation.

I (Should Have) Won A Canadian Blog Award!

2008-02-07T01:19:00.000-05:00

What's more impressive than being a superstar blog-type person? Being an International blog-type person! That's why this year I (passively) campaigned for a Canadian Blog Award. However it seems our buds to the North can be sticklers when it comes to rules and nationality. True, I'm technically not a Canadian and let's face it, I'm not much of a blogger either. But I will not be denied my life long (5 week) dream.

I love Canada.

And hockey.

And strippers.

Also, my ability to navigate the streets of downtown Toronto at 3 a.m. after five shots of Goldschlager is equal to any native Canuck. So after staging a vigorous write-in campaign, I'm the proud recipient of this bad boy:

I'm a little confused by my second place finish, but that just adds fuel to the fire. Next year I vow to place first.

Oh, and congrats to all the real winners...

The Classics Never Die

2008-02-01T01:06:00.001-05:00

The little voice in my head is telling me this beard thing has gone far enough. I think it's finally time to shave...or buy a shack in the woods and write my manifesto.

Maybe I could do something positive with this train wreck of a mug. If anyone wants to take part in a shave Locobone for charity event, you bring the razors and strippers, I'll bring the beard and a case of Boones Farm.

Together we can change the world...or at least get so drunk we think we changed the world.

With All Due Respect to David Letterman....

2008-01-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Rejected Store Names

10. You Had It

9. We Got It (Somehow)

8. Shit’s Inside

7. Don’t Want It

6. Wal-Mehh

5. You Buy It?

4. Vacuum & More!

3. We Found It

2. Potential Patrons, Inside These Walls Exists Merchandise For Purchase!

And the number one rejected store name is:

The Yinzer Home Improvement Emporium!!

Yeah, it's been a long week....

I Am The Champion, My Friends

2008-01-15T00:15:00.000-05:00

I'm not ashamed to reveal I'm a fantasy football nerd...especially when I kick ass at it and I won my ff league. Instead of a little plastic trophy, the league has a championship wrestling belt that is passed on to the winner and engraved with the team name every year. So for the next 365 days I'll be carrying this around with me like I actually accomplished something.

The bartendress was sent over to check it out by all the patrons at the bar after I was handed the belt. They thought I was a boxer. To be the man, you gotta beat the man!

Oh, and speaking of achievements, check out the beard. That's for my high school guidance counselor who said I'd never I'd never accomplish anything. Yeah, I grew that. I'm hal-way to reaching my life goals.

Step One: Grow Beard
Step Two: Climb Everest
Step Three: Retire rich & Famous

It's called momentum. Get off the tracks, the train is coming through!

Angels and Uprights

2007-12-17T01:29:00.000-05:00

This pretty much sums up how I felt after today's game.

And this man should be given the key to the city. Any city. Every city.

If nothing else, this part of the field goal post...

...will forever be known as The Dawson Bar. Thriller, you've just replaced Plastic Man as my second favorite superhero of all time. You're totally getting an extra batch of Christmas cookies from me.

Oh, and hi Pittsburgh. Merry Christmas. The weather on the shores of Lake Erie is wonderful this time of year. You'll experience it for yourself when you're visiting us in January after Cleveland wins the division...

Born to Run (an Ode to Jamal Lewis)

2007-11-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

Sunday was a wild day in Cleveland. My boss generously sprung for tickets for six of us to see The Boss. I wouldn't call myself a fan of Springsteen or his music, but I'm a sucker for live music and taking in the grand spectacle of a great performer.

We had awesome seats along side the stage on the Clarence Clemons side of the stage. I was focused on him all night. The big man is known for playing the sax-a-ma-phone, but there were a handful of songs where his horn blowing services weren't needed. For some of the songs he chilled out in what appearing to be a barber shop chair and for other he was playing anything within reach. Maracas, tambourine, triangle, hand bells...I think at one point he was just slamming two diet Mountain Dew cans together.

The crowd was into Bruce and the collected E Street Band all night long. He played for almost three hours and the guy is a nonstop machine. At one point I had to use the washroom and was politely waiting for a song break to make my way back to my seat. I stood in the entrance way for 20 minutes for him to pause. As soon as one song ended it was "2,3,4" and right in to the next song. The guy likes to count and he's alway telling his bandmates what to do (play it Steve!)...is that why they call him the boss?

I was told that it was a shorter show than usual, but at almost three hours I don't know how the old man could possibly have rocked out for another hour or two. Here's the setlist which I'm told is pretty sold.

1. Radio Nowhere
2. Night
3. Lonesome Day
4. Gypsy Biker
5. Magic
6. Reason To Believe
7. HARD TO BE A SAINT IN THE CITY
8. She's the One
9. Livin in the Future
10. The Promised Land
11. A Town Called Heartbreak
12. Tunnel of Love
13. BE TRUE
14. Devils Arcade
15. The Rising
16. Last To Die
17. Long Walk Home
18. Badlands
19. Girls in their Summer Clothes
20. KITTY'S BACK
21. Born to Run
22. Dancing in the Dark
23. American Land

Before the concert Keish and I hit the bars to drink and watch football. We wandered into the Blind Pig and found a suitable drinking area. Miller Light was sponsoring some kind of Browns pre-game party and Eric Metcalf (Browns uber-running back & return specialist from the early 90's) was there shaking hangs and kissing babies. We ended up scoring tickets to the Browns-Seahawks game and had a drunken good time there as well. Jamal Lewis made me forget he used to be a Raven by rushing for four touchdowns (my fantasy team and real team thank you). My hands were sore from high-fiving all the random strangers after they won in overtime.

All told it was a whirlwind 18 hour day of constant drinking, crowds, and questionable highly priced food options. One of these weekend I promise I'll stay in Erie...

Podcamp Boston 2 Roundup

2007-10-29T19:18:00.000-05:00

I’m still in recovery mode from this weekend and Podcamp Boston 2. To channel my inner Yogi Berra, that was the shortest long weekend I’ve had in a while.

I met a lot of cool people and had some great conversations. The real Podcamp was said to place in the hallway and I don’t know if I disagree with that. Some of the sessions were interesting and would have benefited from more time. Others allowed me the opportunity to set my fantasy football rosters. The ones that worked had a nice mix of meaty content, engaging presenters, and audience participation. The ones that didn’t work strayed from the main topic and had some really questionable PowerPoint slides…

Lunch, dinner, and the after parties were filled with excellent network-ery too even though I had to bow out of Jeff Pulver’s alcohol extravaganza early. I felt terrible because I was finally getting some decent conversation flowing about monetizing, but I was pretty much passed out on my feet. If I was openly yawning in your face I sincerely apologize. You weren’t boring me…it was the 15 hour international car ride that was kicking my ass.

I’ll post more later in the week when the dark circles under my eyes clear up and my luggage is unpacked.

Down on the Farm

2007-10-23T00:50:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I had pleasure/responsibility of watching my nieces and nephews. It worked out that Haleigh had a birthday party at the same time and location that Lauren had a Girl Scouts outing. My sister needed help keeping tabs on all of the little brats and my Sunday was unoccupied thanks to the Browns bye week so I volunteered my services.

This is my absolute favorite time of year. I love the weather changes, the leaves falling and the Farmer's markets...which is pretty hysterical given my hatred of most fruits and vegetables. Next week I'll be out of town and before you blink it'll be mid-November and we'll be covered in snow so I didn't want to pass up the chance to take in the season.

Jacob, Haleigh, and Lauren thought the course was cornfusing but I happened to think it was quite a-mazing.

It was a perfect day on Lake Erie. 80 degrees and literally not a cloud in the sky.

All of the kids enjoyed a hayride while we had about a 1/2 mile hike through an apple orchard to reach the corn maze. This wasn't mentioned in the brochure. Come to think of it, I never was given a brochure.

A picture of my sister moments before the children of the corn dragged her into the field.

Haleigh made a friend during the process. I swear this kid didn't start the maze with out group. He was a rescue child who was lost in the corn.

I made through the maze alive. A personal victory. Notice the corn leaf wrapped around my head to protect me from the sun. I've read Lord of the Flies and I've caught an episode or two or Survivor. I know how to play the game.

The proverbial carrot in front of my face. Nothing says responsibility like chaperoning children and wine tasting.

The fruits of our labor. I'm looking forward to cleaning these off of my Buick after some jerk-off neighbor kid smashes them to pieces on Halloween night.

Tuckered out after a long day of running from maze zombies and eating cupcakes.

Check out the rest of the pics at http://www.flickr.com/photos/locobone/

I have to say that child sitting is an exhausting experience. I couldn't imagine having to do this on a daily basis. Thankfully I can borrow them whenever I need to do childish things like Chuck E Cheese, going to Toys R Us, or running through a corn field. Now if they'll only incorporate wine tasting into the Build-a Bear experience...

10 Songs I Completely Forgot I Loved

2007-10-15T22:31:00.000-05:00

When I was considering buying my first iPod, everyone failed to mention that organizing all of my poorly tagged and formatted mp3’s would consume all of my waking hours. Every time I’d consider blogging, I’d bury myself in my gigs of (legal) mp3’s and piles of obscure cd’s that I’ve collected over the last 15 years.. I became obsessed with correct album titles, cover art, and song names. At this point I’m up to about 3600 songs and my iPod thirsts for more.

During my musical bookkeeping adventures I’ve come across a bunch of songs that I haven’t heard in eons. How the heck does someone forget they liked something so much? These are by no means classic songs, but they’re classic to me. I now present for your reading (and mocking) pleasure ten songs I completely forgot I loved.

Lords of the Underground – Chief Rocka

This was on the first CD I ever bought. Who didn’t love Mr. Funke & Doitall? I know I wasn’t the only awkward white kid in a private school who wiggyity wished they could tiggity talk like diggity Das Efx and hang with the LOTUG family (ok, maybe I was).

Metallica - Shortest Straw

I owned a pair of drumsticks and beat the ever-living hell out of every cardboard box that I could find when this song came on. Part of my dark pre-teen metal phase before that sort of thing was even cool.

The Beach Boys – God Only Knows

I remember digging through my parent’s old record collection as a kid and gaining an appreciation for the Beach Boys. To me this track sounded so different from all of the other Beach Boys 45’s from their collection and I was drawn to it. It was cool discovering music that my parents listened to when they were younger. Some day I hope my kids stumble across a barely functioning CD player and my copy of Dr. Dre’s The Chronic and get the same warm fuzzy feeling while listening to “Lyrical Gangbang”.

White Zombie – Electric Head Part 2

I can still vividly picture this CD sitting on Justin Kownacki’s dresser/table in the stack of CD’s that pretty much became the soundtrack to our lives circa late 1995 through early 1997. Every time he’d wander off for his marathon shower sessions in the worst excuse for a shower stall one has ever seen (it was a list and a few Jews short of being featured in a hit Spielberg film) I was left to entertain myself with a handful of comics and a stack of CD’s. This song always made the rotation.

SWV - Can We Get Kinky

Listen, these all can’t be home runs and have an interesting back story. Sometimes one just has to shake one’s ass to a mediocre suggestive R&B song.

Bon Jovi – Stick to your Guns

Show of hands….this is your favorite album track from New Jersey, right? Mine too! This song teleports me back to the Hilton Hotel in Niagara Falls in the late 90’s. My friends and I were hung over riding a packed elevator from the lobby to the Falls view restaurant for breakfast when I overheard one of the passengers say something about sticking to his guns. So of course I had to serenade the captive audience for the rest of the ride. Tico Torres, eat your heart out.

Prince – My Name is Prince.

His name was….well, it was something I couldn’t pronounce or write, but that didn’t matter. We all understood he was funky.

Motley Crue - Shout at the Devil

My sister used to play this all the time during her devil teen phase. I honestly thought she was going to sacrifice me or force me to dress up in dozens of studded spike bracelets and mascara. There are pictures that prove she accomplished one of her goals.

311 – Welcome

During an intense musical discussion in the mid-90’s I boldly claimed that 311 was just as important as Rage Against the Machine and they would have a more prolific career. Oops. Longer! I meant longer career!

Pharcyde – Otha Fish

1993. I’m on a smelly city bus. I’m covered in acne. Despite all of my efforts, females are pretty much foreign to me. I’m preoccupied by video games and blowing off all of my work. The world is a frightening place. My future lack definition. This song is playing in my walkman.

2007. Well, at least the acne cleared up.

Still Motivated

2007-08-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

After listening to this and watching this, I'm motivated again. I'm insired to go out to my garage and annihilate that little bastard before he is the death of me.

What a difference a day makes...

The Motivational Spider

2007-08-30T23:19:00.000-05:00

Usually seeing a spider makes me want to dropkick God in the solar plexus for even thinking of creating them. However there is one that I not only tolerate, but admire.

The lil feller is elusive. Like a cranky toddler at Olan Mills, he didn't want to stay still for a photo.

Every morning (ok, more like afternoon) when I'm rolling out to work I walk face first into this guy's web. He's an ambitious fellow. While all the other spiders make pathetic little webs in the corner, spidey weaves a beautiful web that covers about 1/2 of the garage opening. It's obvious he runs the garage and eats well...he's freaking huge.

Inevitably my car plows through the web yet without fail he's back at it the next day with an amazing, spectacular, Peter Parker-ish web. He's seems very thorough and determined...an eight-legged little engine that could. After I pick his webbing off my nose, I'm motivated to trudge through the day and be productive regardless of who tries to unintentionally sabotage or sidetrack me.

I realize that one day he might leap on my face and kill me. I've been tempted to kill him on a few occasions too. But do I want to kill him out of fear or jealousy?

Maybe we can make some sort of pact where I deliver a daily sacrifice and he agrees not to puncture my throat. Or possibly he's looking for some freelance work...I could use someone to clean my kitchen.

It's Bacn!

2007-08-20T15:12:00.000-05:00

"Email you want, but not right now."

This is bacn.

Google it.

Twittersearch it.

Know it.

Love it.

I have a feeling that by the end of the week the legend of bacn will spread beyond that tiny hallway at AIP and into inbox's worldwide.

It's......BACN!

Petsmart & Toddlerdumb

2007-08-11T00:08:00.000-05:00

This is my nephew Cory.

This is a guinea pig.

This is what happens mere moments after Cory manhandles a guinea pig.

My sister elected me to oversee him while he ran through the pet store Walter Payton-style touching animals like The Thing's blind girlfriend or that chick from Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" video.

No one told me he was allergic to guinea pigs. A weird allergy, I'll give you that, but I'm allergic as well. To me it's just a minor irritant. As you can see they leave my nephew looking like Jake LaMotta or a Korean grocer who just pulled an all-nighter finishing a term paper.

Lesson number one when you're left in charge of kids...this is particularly important for those of us who aren't lucky enough to have our own slobbering, noisy, money-sucking bundles of joy...don't let them touch anything. Especially disease-infested caged vermin at the local mall.

Because "Petey Pissface" was deemed too highbrow...

2007-08-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

I had planned on a 1000 + word post where I run down the Steelers and all of Yinzer Nation for being a disgraceful representative of Western Pennsylvania, but this picture saves me 20 minutes of typing.

I present to you: Steely McBeam (and his life partner Heinz Ward)

He looks like the BK King, Marge Simpson, and shame had a ménage à trois...and the mascot looks disturbing too.

This makes me even more proud of the logoless, mascotless, cheeleaderless 8-time Championship football team from Cleveland. To all of my Steeler loving friends, I'll make sure there is a seat on this year's bandwagon if you'd like to jump on.

Tubin' to the White House

2007-07-23T22:53:00.000-05:00

I'll give CNN credit for attempting to appeal to the web generation with their YouTube debate tonight. On paper it seems like they are giving the voters what they want.

But what I saw was an entertainment program disguised as hard news sponsored by YouTube. This debate wasn't any different from any debate in the past. Same filtered questions (insert YouTube sponsorship here). Same canned responses. Same grandstanding and bickering.

And don't forget the same postgame, pat ourselves on the back attitude from CNN while they broke down all traits that have nothing to do with leading the Country. For over two hours after the debate CNN had their talking heads drone on about the candidates outfits, who blinked more, who said certain phrases more, and which candidate Joe Lunchbox would like to grab a cold beer with.

In an age where information is at our fingertips, maybe less is more. No one cared how Taft combed his ridiculous mustache. There wasn't an online poll about the color of FDR's wheelchair or type of fabric on Franklin Pierce's stupid little button down vest.

I don't really care what the candidates snorted in college or who they had an affair with. Come next October give me a one-sheet with the list of Presidential hopefuls that lists their policies on all all the top issues and how they have voted on them in the past. I don't want the best public speaker, the most likable candidate, or the politician who is skewing well in New Hampshire. I want the guy/gal who stands by what they believe in and follows through.

Of course I don't know how you find that person, but I'm pretty sure we're not going to find them by having some lesbians throw softball youtube questions at a panel of candidates 15 months before an election.

Them's Fightin' Words

2007-07-22T17:54:00.000-05:00

I just signed up for Chris Brogan's Grasshoppers group which is a cool concept...be sure to check it out. I'm sure after a few days I'll feel welcome, but I have to admit that I was rather rudely greeted. Check out the captcha I received....

There's a chance I'm being a little sensitive, but I think that random box of letters is trying to pick a fight. Know this, random character generator...It takes a lot more than false accusations and slander get under my skin. I don't know why you're trying to insult me, but I'm not going to let you goad me into human-on-computer crime. I'll let it slide this time, but if I ever have to register again and you call me a big bald prick, I'm challenging you to a duel....

iDontCare

2007-06-29T12:27:00.001-05:00

We are mere hours away from the historic launch of the iPhone. Here are a few facts I uncovered that I found interesting.

* The over/under for the number of people that will be trampled today in an iPhone incident is three. I'll take the over.

* You have to buy an adapter (retail value $59.95) for the device to actually place a call.

* 27% of the people think they're in line to see Transformers.

* There is a new term coined by Apple Store employees for all the lovin that will be going on around 6 pm: stevejobs.

* There is an app on the iPhone's touch screen that links up with the nearest Sheetz and lets you order Schmuffins.

* Average number of contacts in each owner's iPhone by Sunday? Three.

* The phone at launch will come in 4 different varieties: 4gb, 8gb, Nacho Cheese, & Cool Ranch.

* The phone is backwards compatible to play VHS tapes.

* The first 500 people in line will get a complimentary shirt that says "NOTICE ME" in big, bold letters.

* Nokia employees are paying good money for footage of anyone standing in line who will say "iApple" quickly while holding their tongue.

I'm actually anxious to see the phone in person myself. Maybe if/when T-Mobile carries the it I'll consider buying one.

Have fun in line! Just remember to pack a lunch, your spf 45, and $600 bucks!

This post about The Sopranos has nothing to do with The Sopranos

2007-06-11T22:25:00.000-05:00

The drive from Indianapolis to Erie tests your patience. It's pretty much this for about 7 hours.

Unlike my taste in women, I don't like my States flat, white, and boring. I suppose if you have to say something positive about the trip it's that there aren't any trees, heathens, or minorities blocking all of the radio waves buzzing through the air.

Back in the day I was a radio junkie, but now I've pretty much sworn off of terrestrial radio. It's been replaced by my mp3 player and satellite radio. After listening to commercial free radio and uncensored talk radio (mostly Howard Stern, but I don't mind O&A/Ron & Fez) going back to "regular" radio is painful.

Forget the music channels. Those have been suffering a slow deather for a while. The best thing you can come up with in the last 15 years is Jack FM? Go screw. Nobody wants to hear a Hall & Oates/Sevendust/Neil Diamond/Gwen Stefani/Beach Boys rock block followed by 8 minutes of commercials. Appealing to everybody makes you appealing to nobody.

But what really irked me this morning were the inane talk shows. None of the content was compelling or interesting. Through the wonderful landscape of corn fields, bibles, and Stuckey's came horrible programs from Chicago, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Columbus, Toledo, Louisville, and Cleveland. Their lack of originality and overall laziness bored me to tears.

Every single show talked endlessly about the Sopranos finale and every show had the same conversation:

Wacky personality: This show was a train wreck. Where was the blood? I want closure! If you liked this ending, you're stupid.

Conservative Personality: It was a tremendous ending. It went against stereotype, was open to interpretation, and left you wanting more. If you didn't get it, you're stupid.

Fine. Point, Counterpoint. That's the basic foundation for all talk radio...especially caller driven talk radio. But the differences didn't stop there. Every show talked about the same possible endings that didn't happen. Every show made the same series finale comparisons (Cheers, Newhart, Dallas, Seinfeld), and every one of the talked about the same potential spinoff options. They were all using the same playbook.

With so many entertainment options, you would think media outlets would understand that originality is important. Why have 40 different shows in 40 different cities broadcasting essentially the same program when the station owners would gladly transition to one show broadcasting into 40 different markets?

At this point, would that even be a bad thing?

Over & Out

2007-05-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

My favorite headline from a TV news website..."Frasier's David Hyde Pierce is officially gay".

Which begs the question...what officially makes it official?

I'm guessing the correct answer is when afterelton.com does a feature on you. The actual outing wasn't the focal point of the original AP article...it was buried a few paragraphs down on a story about his Broadway career (subtle, Dave).

I really don't care what DHP does in his life (or in his career for that matter), but this is a nice change of pace from a celebrity announcing something personal and following it up with a "shocking" tell-all book, a teary-eyed Oprah appearance, and a sit-down interview with Larry King. I think the world is a better place without having to endure a coming out sleepover party on The View.

Well, we'd be better off without The View entirely...

Rembering Those Who Served

2007-05-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

This Memorial Day as we pause to reflect on those who have served in the line of duty, I choose to recognize a wounded solider who has fought the good fight. Their tireless efforts will no longer go on unnoticed.

Here's to you, my bathroom.

* I remember when you functioned properly...like a normal bathroom should.

* I remember when your water tank didn't drip water like Karl Malone at the free throw line.

* I remember when I didn't have to empty a bowl full of water every 90 minutes to avoid further damage. Now I feel like I'm a guinea pig in the DHARMA Initiative.

* I remember when your outlet's runneth over with electricity. Now they're feeble and infertile.

* I remember when stepping through your door and on to your carpet didn't feel like I was going gator hunting in the Okefenokee's. Who carpets a bathroom anyway?

* I remember when you didn't smell like a YMCA locker room after a porn shoot.

* I remember when your floorboards were Incredible Hulk strong and I was confident a visit to you wouldn't result in me ending up in the basement

* Remember when I could flush you? Good times!

The landlord has been notified and the plumber is (amazingly) showing up on a holiday. Hopefully my week of bathroom torture is coming to an end soon.

Next order of business...getting a fridge that doesn't sound like it's about to launch into space...

What's The Complete Opposite of The Midas Touch?

2007-05-12T21:54:00.000-05:00

I'm home alone enjoying a very Canadian evening (hockey game, Molson, and Sir Timmy's) which normally would be a perfect evening, but I should be in Pittsburgh at the birthday extravaganza blowout fiesta of the century. Unfortunately my car thought today would be an ideal to stop functioning properly, so alone I sit.

I made it to Edinboro before the car starting acting diabetic. It would chug along fine for a few miles, but as soon as I approached an incline, it began acting sluggish and demanded a king size Snickers bar. Even with the the pedal floored the ol' gal went from 75 to 35 and I was getting passed like Brady Quinn. Since Pittsburgh is home to 58% of all the hills in the Northeast US (this is a known fact...trust me on this one...no need to google it) I decided to double back to my parents and after a few hours of this

the car still wasn't road worthy. Something about a fuel filter and transmission and a bunch of other things that sound expensive and complicated. I would have my new(er) car already, but the gentleman who sold it to me is dragging his feet with the title transfer. Foiled by paperwork.

The only positive of being stuck at home and missing out on a boatload of good-timery is that it motivated me to break my blog cherry. Nothing like using shame and depression (thanks God) as a catalyst for writing...

And so it begins....

2007-04-10T23:38:00.001-05:00

It felt like the right time to start my own blog in a different space.

Now I just need something to say.

....

Compelling start, right?